You don’t bring me flowers – and stick them up my bum – anymore.

I can’t do this.

I’m sorry, but I just can’t go shopping for turkey bacon with my Dungeon Master. Don’t get me wrong. I’m glad you’re watching your nitrates and all, but grocery shopping? What’s next, holding hands?

What’s happened to us? We’ve become so… everyday. I can’t even remember the last time you paddled me. I actually think I’m regaining some feeling back there. It’s weird.

Last Thursday night, we sat around watching slides from your trip to Altoona and the Model Railroaders Memorial Museum? I didn’t even know you liked trains. (And really didn’t want to.) Then yesterday you come home and actually notice my new haircut? It’s like I don’t even know you anymore.

I guess I blame myself. I should’ve seen the signs. Maybe it was a little strange when you got me that Franklin Mint Commemorative Civil War Chess Set last Christmas. (Silly me, I thought the whole bishop-and-pawn thing was something else entirely.) But then last week you send me a Valentine’s card? Ziggy? Really?

I’m sorry, Sir, but I won’t let you not-hurt me anymore. I need to find someone who doesn’t respect me… someone who wants an unhealthy relationship based solely on physical repulsion.

I’m returning your cock ring.

- The Gimp

P.S., I want you to know that I’ll always treasure our time together. Though mostly just the time alone in my cage.

We the People, Pull my Finger.

Politician, printer, postmaster… Statesman, scientist, musician… Diplomat, inventor, writer… Benjamin Franklin is the great American story of the self-made man. In fact, he was the Great American Writer before there even was an America.

At the time, consensus was that Franklin himself should author the Declaration of Independence and later, our nation’s Constitution. The founding fathers, however, decided on Thomas Jefferson for fear that Ben would fill the things with jokes. True story.

•

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal. Except for you, Adams. Has anyone showered with this guy? Hello? Talk about Enlightenment. Anyways… All men are created equal and are endowed (ahem) by their Creator with certain unalienable…. trying saying that after you’ve tipped a few… even when I’m sober I can’t figure out this whole f and s thing… Anywayf… Un-alien-able Rights… Right. And that among these are Life, Liberty, a Whole Lot of Beer, Flatulence Humour, Three Acres & Mule for Spike Lee, and the Pursuit of Happiness which, more often than not, includes Lots of Beer and Fart Jokes. Am I right, Spike?

•

Octopi Wall Street: The Fish Fight Back!

This spring

One man

Will risk everything he has

To prove to the woman he loves

That they probably shouldn’t have ordered the calamari.

What do the stars have in store for you today? And by “stars,” we don’t mean those kids with the big eyebrows from the vampire movie.

ARIES, Mar 21-Apr 19 • Issues regarding freedom are apt to come up today, Aries. These issues could be connected with opportunities for adventure and travel. Or they could have something to do with the Gimp you’ve got locked up in the basement.

TAURUS, Apr 20-May 20 • Put an extra spring in your step, Taurus. The situations of the day call for something dynamic and brave. Pull out your leadership hat and wear it proudly. Not the one with the big pink feathers, the other hat.

GEMINI, May 21-June 20 • When you work together, even the most challenging task becomes almost effortless. One toothpick is easily broken, but 50 toothpicks together are as strong as steel. Although, if  you jam it in the bitch’s eye, I’m thinking one toothpick would hurt so much more.

CANCER, June 21-July something • You have a great deal of power at your disposal today, Cancer. Take caution when masturbating. We’re not saying don’t. Just, you know, chill a bit. What’s the hurry?

LEO, July 23-Aug 22 • You arrogant twat. It’s not always about you, you know. Try reading someone else’s sign for a change.

VIRGO, Aug 23-Sept 22 • Sometimes you experience the shock of unexpected change as a negative, but persevere and you can discover new opportunities. Kind of like that guy in Philly who got tazed. I think he has his own morning show now.

LIBRA, Sept 23-Oct 22 • Are you setting aside enough money for your children’s education? Are you taking proper care of your home? Are your investments allocated correctly? These are all issues worth considering today. You know, rather than sitting there reading some jerk’s blog. Especially you, Tim. Maybe you should be considering a career change right about now. Copywriter? Where’s that going to get you? You’ll end up talking to yourself on some blog no one ever reads. Get a life, kid.

SCORPIO, Oct 23-Nov 21 • In general, things should be going pretty well for you today, Scorpio, so go for it!!! Don’t miss this opportunity to pursue those dreams!!! Oh, wait, no. What’s today, Thursday? Nevermind. Go back to bed.

CAPRICORN, Dec 22-Jan 19 • Be prepared for all-out combat today, Cappie, even though this isn’t your normal style. Don’t be surprised if you walk into an ice cream shop wanting vanilla and all they have is chocolate. Don’t shoot the place up. It’s just fucking ice cream.

AQUARIUS, Jan 20-Feb 18 • There’s a great deal of energy working for you today, Aquarius. You may feel as if you’re walking on hot coals. This isn’t a good day to sit on the couch watching TV. The coals will burn you for sure. Wait. Are we talking about coals or the couch here? Are we walking or are we sitting? I’m confused. Maybe it’s about moving. I get it. Keep moving. Engage in activities that exercise your mind as well as your body. Well why didn’t you just say that to begin with? Fucking astrologers. Or is it -ists?

PISCES, Feb 19-March 20 • Other people are the most important aspect of your day today, Pisces. Unfortunately, other people don’t like you very much. Not just today, but pretty much every day. Though today in particular. They really hate you. Hoo-boy.

•

* What’s that, Sagittarius? We skipped you? Sorry about that. We thought you were dead.

If I Had to Choose My Top Five Jazz Albums Of 2011, I Don’t Think I Could. But Only Because I Don’t Like Jazz.

#5. What’s with all the smoke?

#4. Is Dizzy Gillespie dead and, if so, did he die from a case of the face explosions?

#3. Is there anything sexier than a woman who can play trombone? Answer: Yes. Everything.

#2. Something about Miles Davis being scary.

#1. John Stockton and Karl Malone always did kinda creep me out with those shorts.

Opey-stopey, here we go!

Recently, some damn fool was just damn-fool enough to ask me for advice: “What one thing would you say to someone who wants to write?”

Well, writing is hard enough without having to worry about what others think or whether your “facts” are “correct” or if there should’ve been a comma just then or a semicolon or an umlaut (or even if some guy thinks it’s kinda douchey that you’re writing a post about giving writing advice, even if that guy is you).

So I’d say don’t sweat it. Enjoy the process, the journey, the coming-up-with-junk. The imperfection. Don’t be paralyzed by precious. Just write more and more without thinking so much about the little details like “grammar” and “quality.” Have fun writing. Be a writer not a Wrote. Done is overrated. But wait, that’s not my one thing.

Right is overrated. That’s my one thing right there. And yes, it took me a little too long to get to it, but I don’t care because, you know, all that stuff I said up there.

I don’t fancy myself much of a writer. (In fact, I’m embarrassed that I just used “fancy” as a verb.)  I just try to make myself laugh or tear-up or throw up in my mouth a little bit (and then I immediately regret using that last one which jumped the shark probably a decade ago on one of those episodes of Friends where Chandler did something that made the others wonder why they were all still hanging out with this guy who’s really not as good looking as the rest of us).

So I just write. And yes, sometimes I write about what I know. That’s what they say, right? “Write about what you know.” Okay. But what about writing about what you don’t know? Making stuff up? Sure, it’ll be all sorts of wrong, but so what? It’ll be interesting and weird and unique and a whole new kind of wrong for both you and the reader. And that’s okay. It’s just writing. And sentence fragments.

And random paragraph breaks. And it’s not like you removed some guy’s heart and put it back in upside down. It’s just writing. Take a risk. Write blind. Write fast. Write dumb. Hit publish. Then do it again. Right or wrong.

And fuck auto-correct. I’m not allowed to type “wrong” anymore? No, Microsoft, I didn’t want to write “okey-dokey” (or okay donkey or open donut). I meant to write opey-stopey because that’s the way my son said it and it’s better and wrong and beautiful.

•

Reflections on a gift of watermelon pickle it ain’t.

So

no

I am

not a poet

Nor will I ever be

I know

No matter how

I lay the words out

centered or justified

I simply cannot justify

even trying because

I still don’t get Shakespeare

DiCaprio or otherwise

and my entire understanding of classical music

comes from Bugs Bunny, but

I do like the rhythm of words

and repetition and maybe one day,

historians will look back on what I’ve written and agree that,

if you stand back and squint, it looks kind of like a candlestick holder. Or a rocket.

•

“WHERE THE TWEETS HAVE NO NAME,” AN EXCERPT FROM THE UPCOMING “TRAVELS WITH BONO.”

DAY 1 (Good Morning, Dubai!)

• Sitting next to @Bono on flight. Talking about healthcare, poverty & seriously, whats w/ the turkey burgers at Johnny Rockets? I KNOW, RIGHT?!

• On the ground. Dubai airport is amazing. @Bono thinks they could use a Cinnabon. Most down-to-earth humanitarian rockstar ever.

• Dubai is, like, REALLY hot. @Bono would kill for an Orangina right about now. #YouDoKnowDrPepperIsMadeFromPrunes,Right?

• The man is THE MAN everywhere. Little kids coming up to us on the street asking him to sing “Lemon.” #NoAccountingForTaste

• Dinner w/ client at Al Mahara in the Burj Al Arab. Concierge advises “smart casual.” Khakis & button-down 4me. @Bono goes w/ FRANKIE SAYS RELAX. “No, not douchey at all, B.”

DAY 2 (Meetings, Meetings, Meetings.)

• 10-NOON. Campaign overview & first look at creative. @Bono fancies himself a copywriter. He reminds me that he wrote “11 o’Clock Tick Tock.” I defer.

• Lunch is served. How does the man keep it off? Swear to God he ate the parker house roll right off my plate when I wasn’t looking.

• 2-4PM. Media Plan. Cut out early. Swimming @ manmade island that looks like palm tree from the air. 3rd frond from the left. @Bono loses glasses & sarong.

• @Bono calls my room. Says we should blow off dinner w/ client and hit the Shakey’s. I convince him otherwise with bribe of karaoke.

• Dinner at Ayam Zaman at the Royal Ascot. @Bono inhales his matchbous and half of client’s ghuzi. For dessert we split the mehalabiya. (He picks out pistachios, puts in pocket. WTF?)

• Bowling a couple frames with some kids at Magic Planet in huge Deira City Centre mall over on Al Garhoud. @Bono picks up the 7-10. #HiddenTalents

• Karaoke at Harry’s Ghatto’s. I go with Helen Reddy, @Bono butchers Viva la Vida. Nobody notices him. Must be the new glasses.

• Man, drinks are expensive here. @Bono pulls out a bottle of Potter’s Peach Schnapps he grabbed at Duty Free. #Genius

DAY 3 (It’s Been Real.)

• Can’t recall anything after 3AM. Rushing to airport solo. Note in pocket: “Caught early flight. Sleep is for pussies. Remember: What happens in Dubai…”

If I leave a note for the vending machine guy that says, “FIX E-7 SO I CAN GET AT THE POP TARTS OR I WILL MURDER YOU,” do I need help?

☯ THIS IS THE TAO OF CHUBBY ☯

Enjoy life. Live, love, and laugh so hard you shoot milk out your nose. Or Milk Duds.

☯

I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand. I just look at cheesecake and I gain five pounds.

☯

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. Or in your case, a candy shell that encloses rich milk chocolate.

☯

Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while in it, but the longer you stay the more wrinkled you get. And your sandwich gets all soggy and junk.

☯

I have butterflies in my stomach. Wait. Nope. It’s just butter.

☯

Don’t confuse recklessness for confidence. And also don’t confuse yogurt for white chocolate. Gross.
☯

Life is like a box of chocolates. You inhale the first twenty or so without thinking, then you stick your thumb in the rest to make sure there’s no coconut. And then you pretty much eat them, too.

☯

Love means never having to say you’re sorry you ate the dog.

☯

HEALTHY RECIPE: No butter to make grilled cheese? Try this better alternative: Assume the fetal position and cry yourself to sleep.

☯

The joyful man is satisfied and composed; the angry man is always full of distress. And probably more of that cheesecake. You know how pissy you get.

☯

Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart. And a snack. Like maybe one of those really soft chocolate chip granola bars.

☯

ON A SERIOUS NOTE: Be careful shoveling today. Bend at the knees. And try the scoops rather than flat chips. You’ll spill less salsa. Or, in your case, tapioca.

☯

Life is like an onion: The whole layer thing, blah, blah, blah, cover it in batter then fry it at 375˚ for 3 minutes.

☯

YOUR DAILY AFFIRMATION: Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we’ll probably eat drink and be merry again. And when I say, “be merry,” I mean “eat.”

☯

If one looks in the right places, one will discover good offerings. (Try the cupboard where she hides the leftover Halloween candy.)

☯

Wait, it’s pronounced “Friday?” It’s not FRIESday? I could’ve sworn it was Friesday. It sounds right… Fries… day… Yeah, that’s right.

☯

THE HEROES AMONG US: Today, Mark S. from Sydney hollowed out a bagel to cut back on carbs. And make more room for the ice cream. Yay, Mark.

☯

So these three fat guys walk into a bar. Except they don’t walk as much as roll. And it’s not a bar, it’s a cruller.

☯

FIRST RULE OF POT ROAST CLUB: Don’t talk about Pot Roast Club. SECOND RULE OF POT ROAST CLUB: Don’t talk about vegetables.

☯

Try to make both ends meet. Or meat. Preferably with some sort of cake-based thing going on there in the middle. Who’s with me?!

☯

MORE HEROES AMONG US: Dave in Fountain Valley just started a food diary. Yay, Dave. And remember, Dorito fingerprints can be removed with just a little club soda.

☯

Stop searching, happiness is just next to you. Unless you’re not sitting next to a meatloaf sandwich. In that case, moving on…

☯

In space, no one can hear you scream, “More Hollandaise Sauce!!!”

☯

You know, that Maple Syrup Diet probably doesn’t work when you pour it on pancakes. Or cupcakes. I’m just saying.

☯

Okay, I hate to eat and run. That’s it. I just hate to eat and run. Or anything and run. Or run.

☯

* And remember, Fat Grasshopper, I am not laughing with you, I am laughing at you. But only because it’s funny. And I want to help you. But mostly that funny thing.

My latest is the 1,109th most-sent e-card, which doesn’t sound very impressive until you realize it’s been sent 12 TIMES!