If I leave a note for the vending machine guy that says, “FIX E-7 SO I CAN GET AT THE POP TARTS OR I WILL MURDER YOU,” do I need help?

☯ THIS IS THE TAO OF CHUBBY ☯

Enjoy life. Live, love, and laugh so hard you shoot milk out your nose. Or Milk Duds.

☯

I hear and I forget. I see and I remember. I do and I understand. I just look at cheesecake and I gain five pounds.

☯

Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. Or in your case, a candy shell that encloses rich milk chocolate.

☯

Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while in it, but the longer you stay the more wrinkled you get. And your sandwich gets all soggy and junk.

☯

I have butterflies in my stomach. Wait. Nope. It’s just butter.

☯

Don’t confuse recklessness for confidence. And also don’t confuse yogurt for white chocolate. Gross.
☯

Life is like a box of chocolates. You inhale the first twenty or so without thinking, then you stick your thumb in the rest to make sure there’s no coconut. And then you pretty much eat them, too.

☯

Love means never having to say you’re sorry you ate the dog.

☯

HEALTHY RECIPE: No butter to make grilled cheese? Try this better alternative: Assume the fetal position and cry yourself to sleep.

☯

The joyful man is satisfied and composed; the angry man is always full of distress. And probably more of that cheesecake. You know how pissy you get.

☯

Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart. And a snack. Like maybe one of those really soft chocolate chip granola bars.

☯

ON A SERIOUS NOTE: Be careful shoveling today. Bend at the knees. And try the scoops rather than flat chips. You’ll spill less salsa. Or, in your case, tapioca.

☯

Life is like an onion: The whole layer thing, blah, blah, blah, cover it in batter then fry it at 375˚ for 3 minutes.

☯

YOUR DAILY AFFIRMATION: Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we’ll probably eat drink and be merry again. And when I say, “be merry,” I mean “eat.”

☯

If one looks in the right places, one will discover good offerings. (Try the cupboard where she hides the leftover Halloween candy.)

☯

Wait, it’s pronounced “Friday?” It’s not FRIESday? I could’ve sworn it was Friesday. It sounds right… Fries… day… Yeah, that’s right.

☯

THE HEROES AMONG US: Today, Mark S. from Sydney hollowed out a bagel to cut back on carbs. And make more room for the ice cream. Yay, Mark.

☯

So these three fat guys walk into a bar. Except they don’t walk as much as roll. And it’s not a bar, it’s a cruller.

☯

FIRST RULE OF POT ROAST CLUB: Don’t talk about Pot Roast Club. SECOND RULE OF POT ROAST CLUB: Don’t talk about vegetables.

☯

Try to make both ends meet. Or meat. Preferably with some sort of cake-based thing going on there in the middle. Who’s with me?!

☯

MORE HEROES AMONG US: Dave in Fountain Valley just started a food diary. Yay, Dave. And remember, Dorito fingerprints can be removed with just a little club soda.

☯

Stop searching, happiness is just next to you. Unless you’re not sitting next to a meatloaf sandwich. In that case, moving on…

☯

In space, no one can hear you scream, “More Hollandaise Sauce!!!”

☯

You know, that Maple Syrup Diet probably doesn’t work when you pour it on pancakes. Or cupcakes. I’m just saying.

☯

Okay, I hate to eat and run. That’s it. I just hate to eat and run. Or anything and run. Or run.

☯

* And remember, Fat Grasshopper, I am not laughing with you, I am laughing at you. But only because it’s funny. And I want to help you. But mostly that funny thing.