“WHERE THE TWEETS HAVE NO NAME,” AN EXCERPT FROM THE UPCOMING “TRAVELS WITH BONO.”

DAY 1 (Good Morning, Dubai!)

• Sitting next to @Bono on flight. Talking about healthcare, poverty & seriously, whats w/ the turkey burgers at Johnny Rockets? I KNOW, RIGHT?!

• On the ground. Dubai airport is amazing. @Bono thinks they could use a Cinnabon. Most down-to-earth humanitarian rockstar ever.

• Dubai is, like, REALLY hot. @Bono would kill for an Orangina right about now. #YouDoKnowDrPepperIsMadeFromPrunes,Right?

• The man is THE MAN everywhere. Little kids coming up to us on the street asking him to sing “Lemon.” #NoAccountingForTaste

• Dinner w/ client at Al Mahara in the Burj Al Arab. Concierge advises “smart casual.” Khakis & button-down 4me. @Bono goes w/ FRANKIE SAYS RELAX. “No, not douchey at all, B.”

DAY 2 (Meetings, Meetings, Meetings.)

• 10-NOON. Campaign overview & first look at creative. @Bono fancies himself a copywriter. He reminds me that he wrote “11 o’Clock Tick Tock.” I defer.

• Lunch is served. How does the man keep it off? Swear to God he ate the parker house roll right off my plate when I wasn’t looking.

• 2-4PM. Media Plan. Cut out early. Swimming @ manmade island that looks like palm tree from the air. 3rd frond from the left. @Bono loses glasses & sarong.

• @Bono calls my room. Says we should blow off dinner w/ client and hit the Shakey’s. I convince him otherwise with bribe of karaoke.

• Dinner at Ayam Zaman at the Royal Ascot. @Bono inhales his matchbous and half of client’s ghuzi. For dessert we split the mehalabiya. (He picks out pistachios, puts in pocket. WTF?)

• Bowling a couple frames with some kids at Magic Planet in huge Deira City Centre mall over on Al Garhoud. @Bono picks up the 7-10. #HiddenTalents

• Karaoke at Harry’s Ghatto’s. I go with Helen Reddy, @Bono butchers Viva la Vida. Nobody notices him. Must be the new glasses.

• Man, drinks are expensive here. @Bono pulls out a bottle of Potter’s Peach Schnapps he grabbed at Duty Free. #Genius

DAY 3 (It’s Been Real.)

• Can’t recall anything after 3AM. Rushing to airport solo. Note in pocket: “Caught early flight. Sleep is for pussies. Remember: What happens in Dubai…”