What do the stars have in store for you today? And by “stars,” we don’t mean those kids with the big eyebrows from the vampire movie.

ARIES, Mar 21-Apr 19 • Issues regarding freedom are apt to come up today, Aries. These issues could be connected with opportunities for adventure and travel. Or they could have something to do with the Gimp you’ve got locked up in the basement.

TAURUS, Apr 20-May 20 • Put an extra spring in your step, Taurus. The situations of the day call for something dynamic and brave. Pull out your leadership hat and wear it proudly. Not the one with the big pink feathers, the other hat.

GEMINI, May 21-June 20 • When you work together, even the most challenging task becomes almost effortless. One toothpick is easily broken, but 50 toothpicks together are as strong as steel. Although, if  you jam it in the bitch’s eye, I’m thinking one toothpick would hurt so much more.

CANCER, June 21-July something • You have a great deal of power at your disposal today, Cancer. Take caution when masturbating. We’re not saying don’t. Just, you know, chill a bit. What’s the hurry?

LEO, July 23-Aug 22 • You arrogant twat. It’s not always about you, you know. Try reading someone else’s sign for a change.

VIRGO, Aug 23-Sept 22 • Sometimes you experience the shock of unexpected change as a negative, but persevere and you can discover new opportunities. Kind of like that guy in Philly who got tazed. I think he has his own morning show now.

LIBRA, Sept 23-Oct 22 • Are you setting aside enough money for your children’s education? Are you taking proper care of your home? Are your investments allocated correctly? These are all issues worth considering today. You know, rather than sitting there reading some jerk’s blog. Especially you, Tim. Maybe you should be considering a career change right about now. Copywriter? Where’s that going to get you? You’ll end up talking to yourself on some blog no one ever reads. Get a life, kid.

SCORPIO, Oct 23-Nov 21 • In general, things should be going pretty well for you today, Scorpio, so go for it!!! Don’t miss this opportunity to pursue those dreams!!! Oh, wait, no. What’s today, Thursday? Nevermind. Go back to bed.

CAPRICORN, Dec 22-Jan 19 • Be prepared for all-out combat today, Cappie, even though this isn’t your normal style. Don’t be surprised if you walk into an ice cream shop wanting vanilla and all they have is chocolate. Don’t shoot the place up. It’s just fucking ice cream.

AQUARIUS, Jan 20-Feb 18 • There’s a great deal of energy working for you today, Aquarius. You may feel as if you’re walking on hot coals. This isn’t a good day to sit on the couch watching TV. The coals will burn you for sure. Wait. Are we talking about coals or the couch here? Are we walking or are we sitting? I’m confused. Maybe it’s about moving. I get it. Keep moving. Engage in activities that exercise your mind as well as your body. Well why didn’t you just say that to begin with? Fucking astrologers. Or is it -ists?

PISCES, Feb 19-March 20 • Other people are the most important aspect of your day today, Pisces. Unfortunately, other people don’t like you very much. Not just today, but pretty much every day. Though today in particular. They really hate you. Hoo-boy.

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* What’s that, Sagittarius? We skipped you? Sorry about that. We thought you were dead.